E5: Finding Wellness in the Wilderness on the Trans-Catalina Trail
SPOILER ALERT: We’re moving to Catalina Island in 2023!
December 27 is a big day because it is the six year anniversary of our first trek on the Trans-Catalina Trail - the trail that changed my entire life. December 27 is also a big day because we can finally share that Hiking My Feelings is going to be based on the island that changed everything for me! We're moving to Avalon in 2023, and we will be based on the island when we aren't hosting our summer tours.
SQUEE WITH ME: In the summer, when it's waaaaay too hot to hike the TCT, we'll be on the mainland ("over town" as the locals say) in and around the National Parks hosting our Wellness in the Wilderness retreats. When we are done touring from May-September, we'll head back to the island to host our programs and retreats!
🤫 We have a couple projects up our sleeves that we're putting the finishing touches on, so stay tuned for that, but in the meantime...
🤸🏼♀️ WE ARE MOVING TO CATALINA WHERE WE CAN HIKE THE TCT WHENEVER THE EFF WE WANT AND I'M SO EXCITED THAT THIS MASSIVE DREAM IS COMING TRUE!
Okay so now that you know, when are you coming to hike the Trans-Catalina Trail with us?
ABOUT THIS EPISODE:
After four interviews with legendary athletes in long distance hiking, backpacking, kayaking, and surfing, let's bring it back down for a bit. You don't have to hike thousands of miles or surf the waves far and wide to experience the healing power of nature. In fact, when we say "wilderness" - you get to define that for yourself - if you grew up in a concrete jungle, your version of wilderness might be a city park you've never been to. If you grew up in a rural or remote environment, the wilderness might be all you know.
In this episode, I share about how hiking the Trans-Catalina Trail changed everything for me, how Hiking My Feelings and this show came to be, and how you can find your version of Wellness in the Wilderness in 2023 and beyond.
ABOUT OUR GUEST:
When former collegiate athlete and competitive skydiver, Sydney Williams, unexpectedly found herself on the receiving end of a Type 2 diabetes diagnosis while grappling with unresolved trauma from a decades-old sexual assault, she set out on a mission: turn her pain into power. Two hikes across Catalina Island and 80 miles later, she founded Hiking My Feelings to help others tap into the mind-body connection and healing power of nature that helped kick her self-limiting beliefs and disease into remission.
Over the years, she’s been featured on the SXSW stage, as well as in Health Magazine, Diabetic Living Magazine, Psychology Today, US News & World Report, and numerous other publications. Today, she is the author of Hiking My Feelings: Stepping into the Healing Power of Nature, host of Wellness in the Wilderness on the VoiceAmerica Empowerment channel, a certified Wilderness First Responder, instructor at the Desert Institute at Joshua Tree National Park and the Field Institute at Sequoia National Park, and travels across the country empowering others to summit their personal mountains on their way to becoming Well Beings.
IN THIS EPISODE:
Why Catalina Island is so important to me
What happened on my first attempt on the Trans-Catalina Trail in 2016
What happened after the first trek on the TCT
Why is diabetes the best thing that ever happened to me?
What led to the second hike on the TCT in 2018?
SPOILER ALERT: We’re moving to Catalina Island in 2023!
What does this mean for Hiking My Feelings?
CONNECT WITH SYDNEY + HIKING MY FEELINGS:
Read Sydney’s book, Hiking My Feelings: Stepping Into the Healing Power of Nature
Listen to the Audiobook (Named one of the Best Hiking Audiobooks by Audible!)
Follow Sydney on Instagram
LISTEN HERE:
SHOW TRANSCRIPT:
Please note, we use Otter.ai to transcribe episodes and while the technology is impressive, it’s not completely accurate. Please excuse any missed words, nonsensical sentences, and missed interpretations of foreign language below:
Announcer 00:00
Since 1984, sell your has existed to support your wildest adventures. Learn about their advanced insect repellents and family of technical Lightweight Water filters at sawyer.com. Welcome to Wellness in the Wilderness. Come with us on the trail of life as we inspire you to take a step outdoors to disconnect from the distractions and reconnect with yourself. Sydney Williams in our guests will motivate you to get active and get well. Now, here is Sydney.
Sydney Williams 00:37
All right, everybody, welcome to Wellness in the Wilderness. I'm your host Sydney Williams, author and founder of hiking my feelings and today I'm broadcasting live from a very special place that's near and dear to my heart, live from the ancestral lands of the Tongva people now known as Catalina Island. If you're curious about the first people in your area, we recommend visiting native-land.ca. To learn more, simply plug in your address and the map will populate with the names of the tribes who have stewarded the lands for 1000s of years. This is a great first step in doing research to educate ourselves and we encourage you to dig deeper and support the indigenous people places and businesses in your area. On that note, last week, and for all the weeks prior, I have been broadcasting from Julian California, which is the land of the Kumeyaay people, not the Kuma-yay people Sydney, learn how to pronounce words by reading them like choff-ur that is chauffeur Fa- Kade that is facade. And apparently, the indigenous names of the local people were I was broadcasting for the last three weeks. So thank you to our friends and family who let us know about the mispronunciation thank you for the resources to help point us in the right direction. And now I highly recommend everybody Google insert. How do you pronounce word here and then you're good to go. So like I said, today is a very special day for me. I am on Catalina Island, I am in a hotel room. And this is the six year anniversary of the first steps I took on the trans Catalina trail. So December 27 2016 were the first steps towards a life I had no idea that I would be living towards a community that wasn't even built yet and into the healing power of nature, which I was blissfully unaware of the power that it contained. So today I'm going to be sharing a little bit about how this trail on this island helped me find my version of wellness in the wilderness and inspired me and my husband to design a life that would empower us to share the love we found here with anyone who is willing to slow down enough to listen. I also want to give a content warning for today's episode. As I'm sharing my part of the story, I'm going to be sharing some of the backstory of the life that I lived that led me to the trans Catalina trail. Now I don't go too deep on any of these topics. But I do briefly mentioned losing loved ones suddenly, suicide cancer and sexual assault. So if those topics are sensitive for you, please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. And if any of those topics are a part of your story, I encourage you to keep listening. And if part of my story stirs something within you pause and take a moment to check in with yourself. First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are safe. Trauma comes in big T little T in all shapes and sizes. It is not a competition and what is traumatic for me might not be traumatic for you and vice versa. But when something gets stirred up within us when we're hearing somebody else's story when we see something on TV, when we listen to music if we hear something that triggers us, first things first, let's remind ourselves that we're safe. We'll take a nice big deep breath get back into our bodies. Next tune into what's coming up for you. What are you feeling? Name it. Are you feeling anxious? Are you feeling scared? Are you feeling sad? Call the thing the thing. Next, where do you feel this in your body? For me when I start feeling anxious? It feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and it gets really tight and it feels heavy. So take a deep breath. What is this thing you're feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? And if this is something that you felt before, what was the last time that you felt this way? Was it when you watch the show? was it when you around a specific kind of person or when you visit a specific place? If you do this throughout this episode and carry this practice with you outside of the time and space where you're sharing while you listen today, it can be a very powerful way to start to connect the dots and the experience you've had on your trail of life so far, and how those experiences have shaped your life physically, mentally, and spiritually. So with all that said, let's jump right into it. First of all, this is the first time I'm doing this all by myself. Usually, I have another guest that I'm interviewing and we're interacting back and forth on Zoom. And or my husband Barry is out, you know, hyping me up before the show and then running in after I get done to give me a hug. So I'm just hanging out in the hotel room all by my lonesome sharing my story. So it's a little bit different when I'm not with other people and having that energy exchange. So thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And today we will be taking callers so after the first or second break, if you'd like had to call and share a story of how hiking has helped you heal or some other outdoor activity has helped you find your version of wellness in the wilderness. I'd love to share this time and space with you. If you've been through one of our programs, and you want to share a little bit about that, please do. Otherwise just call and chat, say, Hey, what's up? So let's jump right into my story. Why is this trail so important to me? And why was I so moved by it? Well, I think in order to answer that question, since I'm interviewing myself, it's important to share a little bit of the backstory as to where I was, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, before I started this backpacking trip back in 2016. So to give you a little sense of where I was time and space mentally, the let's talk about it. So the last two years before I hiked this trail in 2016, were two of the hardest years of my life. And I think we all go through periods that are really tough, and we go through periods of feel like bright and sunshiny rainbows all the time. And I had been through two of the years that just like put me through the wringer in January and 2014, my friend Chris, who was a high intelligence military veteran, he was in the US Army, he spoke seven different languages. He was the life of the party, he was everything to everyone. And so, so funny, like I've never cried so hard from laughing so hard, as I did when I was around, Chris. Unfortunately, Chris took his own life at the beginning of January and 2014. So the year started off with that. Later that year, I was a competitive skydiver at the time, and my teammates sustained what I thought would be a season ending injury. So I kind of put my skydiving career on hold while we waited to see what would happen with that injury. And in the time that passed between when we stopped training, and when things got better. My uncle who had previously beaten brain cancer, had it come back and take his life. My friend, Adam was on a base jumping trip in Idaho. And he didn't make it. He died on a base jump, and didn't come home from that trip. So around the time that we were looking to coordinate Adams Memorial, my injured teammate was now better. And so I only had, you know, as much money as I had to go to either Chicago for Adams Memorial or to go to the skydiving nationals. And I chose to go to my friend's Memorial. So my skydiving career just kind of died right then and there. And when I got back from nationals, I found out that my or when I got back from Adams Memorial and that instead of going to Nationals, I found out that my skydiving coach who was like the entire reason that we moved to Southern California, was to train at his facility so I could learn how to be a world champion skydiver, he had been convicted on two felony counts of sexual misconduct with a minor and as his director of PR events and marketing at the dropzone I was working at, I was like, You know what, I can't do this, like I can't line the pockets of a pedophile, I have something resembling a moral compass still intact. And so I left and I didn't have a backup plan. I didn't know what was coming next. But I knew that I couldn't continue to live that life that way. So 2015 wasn't much better. I started my own company. And then I ended up not doing that. My husband lost his job and his dream. And so I ended up going back to corporate and worked at the agency that I was working with before I left to go skydive full time for four years. And so when I did that, I got right back into like cushy Corporate Communications life, like I had my fat salary, I had cushy benefits, I was just like cruising. And between Christmas and New Year's, the agency shuts down entirely. So if you work in any kind of service industry or client services, or any kind of job where you get paid time off, but you're not actually off, you're still checking email, or there's still some expectation that you'll be checking in. This was the first time in my career where I knew that I could go and be fully disconnected. And I could have an actual restorative vacation. And so my husband grew up in the white. up in New Hampshire, he was hiking up and through the White Mountains for most of his life growing up. And he asked me if I wanted to go backpacking. And Lesson number one, if you've never done something, but it sounds interesting, so yes, and then figure out the rest later. Because that single question from my husband who had no indication that I would be good at backpacking, who had no inkling to suggest that this is something that I would enjoy other than the fact that I liked spending time outside like there was no record of me being good at this or enjoying it. But he'd asked, and I said, Yes, and that single, yes, transformed my life, let alone the steps that I took after that. Just the idea of going for something that I've never done before. In that moment, I was in a good enough mood to say yes, I wasn't doubting myself. I just went for it. And it absolutely changed everything for me. So we booked our trip on the trans Catalina trail. And if you're not familiar, the trans Catalina Trail is a 38.5 mile trail that spans from tip to tip Have Catalina Island, which is off the coast of Los Angeles, California. And when we did this the first time, I had not trained, I was wildly out of shape. I wore my hiking boots at my standing desk thinking that was the same thing as breaking them in and I found out about an hour into our first day on this trail, that that was not the way you break in shoes, wearing them at a desk is not the same as breaking them in. So I quickly realized that I was I had met my match. And I was really struggling on that first trip. And so to kind of sum up the first trek on the trans Catalina trail, we did it between Christmas and New Year's. We got through the first couple days. And then it just started raining and it never stopped and talking to locals. Now on the island. They call that the rain event of 2016. And while I was deeply uncomfortable, and my feet were covered in blisters, and I didn't walk right for about two weeks after that first trip, this was the moment in my life. Like if I'm watching my life as a movie, this is the moment that changed everything for me and my relationship to my body. And it was the beginning. I think of like the formal beginning of my healing journey was the first time that I attempted the trans Catalina trail. And I say attempted because I did not finish we got to Two Harbors, which was our third or fourth campsite along the way. And I had big plans of finishing the trail, but the rain was creating this like slip and slide of cakey clay mud that was just absolutely disgusting, and really difficult to walk through. And by the time we got to Two Harbors, I was like, you know, I just I don't think I'm gonna make it. And I couldn't see the campground anywhere in sight. And I was like, What are we doing? Where is the campsite, and they told us I'd have to hike another mile to get to where I can set up my tent in the rain. And I was like, that's not going to work for me. So we ended up just calling it right then in there, we got a little like tent cabin in town, so we didn't have to walk up the hill any further. And when they said that they were thinking about closing down the trail to hikers because the trail was in a questionable condition. I just couldn't help but think like my body is in a questionable condition. I don't think I'm safe to go. And for a while for the first couple of years after that hike. I blamed it on the rain. And I didn't really take it was easier than saying I was in terrible shape. And I did not have the gumption or the wherewithal to finish this trail. I just was really excited to say that it was something else. And it wasn't my fault. It wasn't me that ruined it. And even just in recounting the story, I think about how far I've come with my mindset around all of that, because the biggest takeaway from that first track on the trans Catalina trail was how much I loved spending time outside. And while I was deeply uncomfortable in the body I was in, I wanted more of this, like I had not experienced anything in my life up until that point, like I was a rower at the University of Kansas on a women's rowing team. That's kind of where I got like a taste for how deep, difficult physical activity can help me connect with my body and clear my head. That's where I kind of got a taste, but nothing like this. And I was a skydiver for four years. And at the time, that was like my sense of calm and it took all my focus. And I didn't have the language to understand that it was that intense focus that helped me be present. I didn't understand that at the time. And so out here on this trail in 2016, in the worst shape of my life, feet looking like ground beef just covered in blisters, unable to finish. I wasn't upset with myself, and I didn't judge myself for where I was at. And that was the first time that it ever happened to me. I was curious. It was like, okay, so that was really hard. But I loved it. And I want to do more of it. So what do I need to do to be able to enjoy this more next time, I didn't want my body to be the thing that got in the way of me having a good time. And me enjoying this trail. And I wanted to be able to experience it fully and not be so focused on the physical pain that I experienced the first time. So that first hike really set things in motion for me and if I had known on December 27 2016 When I was all like doe eyed and excited than freaking out about what I just gotten myself into. If like what if I hate it? Will I still have a husband? like it was his idea. What if I suck at hiking? Like does is this a deal breaker for our marriage? Of course it wasn't but I had all these thoughts going through my head as I tend to do and maybe you're the same when we do something new for the first time. Despite all this like negative internal soundtrack and my worries and my what ifs it was really a powerful moment for me And I had no idea what would come next. So life had its own set of challenges that it would like to throw towards me in response to my desire to live in a body where I felt comfortable, healthy, safe, and empowered to go do more of these adventures. So nine months after that first trek on the trans Catalina trail, I had been paddleboarding with my husband, and we had gone out for Labor Day, down in San Diego. And if you've ever been to San Diego, you know, it's like 72 and sunny year round. Not this day, it was hot. It felt like Florida or Houston or like an armpit or something that was just so sweaty and gross. And I didn't bring enough water and I wasn't well nourished. I wasn't well hydrated, and I got done with that paddle session in September 2017. And I was just like, Man, I am beat and I didn't feel right for like two weeks. And then I woke up one day, and I was like, this is enough. Like it felt like somebody had taken a corset, and like shoved it into my guts through my belly button. It was like tightening it up. It was the worst pain that I experienced, like internal pain, not like muscle pain, not like emotional pain, but like internal organ type pain that I had ever experienced in my life. I never felt anything like this before. And so I was like, Okay, I clearly this is not dehydration anymore. It's been a couple of weeks. This is not heat stroke or heat exhaustion. It's been a minute. So I was like, Okay, it's time to go to the hospital. So we went to the hospital. I sat down at urgent care, they brought me in, they asked me what was going on. And before I could even finish listing my symptoms. They were like, Oh, well, sounds like you have Crohn's disease. And I was like what? My friend Adam that passed away on the base jump in 2014 had Crohn's disease. And I knew based on his lived experience, and what he had shared with me about living with Crohn's that what I was experiencing was not the same as the things that he had shared with me. And so they sent me home with like a stool sample kit. So I got to like collect stool samples for three days and like swish them around in a bottle, and then take it back to the lab. And after that they gave me a full blood panel. And so we're waiting for the results. And then I get the call. And they let me know that I had type two diabetes. Now I was 32 years old when I got this diagnosis. And I had just been told that I now have a chronic illness, for which I will either need to make some radical lifestyle changes and or be on medication and or possibly insulin dependent. As the disease progresses for the rest of my life. What am I going to do with that information? Like how does that play into my desire to spend more time outside to find my version of wellness in the wilderness? Well, when we get back from the break, we'll pick up where I left off. And I'll tell you about how diabetes is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me. We'll be right back.
Announcer 18:16
become our friend on Facebook, post your thoughts about our shows and network on our timeline? Visit facebook.com forward slash voice America. Have you ever spoken unkind to yourself? Do you realize when you do? Are you ready to make changes but find yourself completely paralyzed by the choices in front of you. We live in a hyper connected always on world. And frankly, it's exhausting. Let's make time to disconnect from the distractions and reconnect with yourself. Hiking My feelings exists to help people discover the healing power of nature. kickstart your healing journey and grab a copy of the book that started our movement, Hiking My Feelings Stepping into the Healing Power of Nature, named one of Audible's best hiking audiobooks and available wherever books are sold. Visit hikingmyfeelings.org today to learn more. Sawyer is more than an outdoor company, every Sawyer product you buy, contributes to our common humanity, bringing Sawyer water filtration systems to people in need all around the world. In just 2022 alone. 260,000 households in over 45 countries received clean drinking water through Sawyer filters. Over the past 10 years, we've teamed up with over 140 charities in 80 countries to provide long term sustainable relief domestically, internationally and in disaster situations. Together, we're saving millions of lives. Thank you, Ready to find your wellness in the wilderness and look no further than Hiking My Feelings through a combination of community and self discovery. Our programs are designed to give you the space and support to connect life starts. If you're looking to figure out who you are underneath the stories you've been given, and are ready to redesign the map of where you're headed with actionable steps and opportunities to dream big. We're here to walk alongside you. Whether you're a seasoned adventure enthusiast, or brand new to the healing power of nature. We've got your back. Visit hikingmyfeelings.org today to download our free trail thoughts worksheets, and learn more about Hiking My Feelings. It's your world, motivate, change, succeed. Voice America empowerment.com. You're listening to Wellness in the Wilderness with Sydney Williams. Have a question for Sydney and our guests. Join us on the show at 888-346-9141. That's 888-346-9141. Now back to the show with Sydney.
Sydney Williams 20:58
All right, welcome back to Wellness in the Wilderness. I'm your host, Sydney Williams. And it's just me today lone wolf, share my story to an empty hotel room. And hopefully, lots of big hearted, well intentioned and compassionate people that are listening out there in the internet, and around the world. So before the break, we were talking about how I was diagnosed with type two diabetes nine months after my first attempt at the trans Catalina trail. And let's jump right back into it. So diabetes, like I said before the break is the best thing that ever happened to me now why? That's crazy to say, who would honestly categorize getting diagnosed with a chronic illness is the best thing to ever happen to them. Not Most people from what I gather, but it is the truth for me. So why? Well, first and foremost, it was a diagnosis that was serious enough for me to get my butt in gear, but not so serious as to completely derail my life like a late stage cancer diagnosis or getting in an accident and losing a limb or something that would require intense physical therapy. This was something that was thanks to my doctor very manageable to understand because she broke it down into four categories. There are lots of things that impact blood sugar and the human body. And she narrowed it down to food, exercise, medicine and stress. I call this my quadrant and the quadrant saved my life because every day, it gave me something to understand a framework to work within to understand what was happening in my body and what were the different inputs and outputs that were impacting the blood sugar levels that I was experiencing. So I cleaned up my nutrition plan, I stopped eating like a 12 year old boy out with the frozen pizza. And with more vegetables, I stopped eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the morning for breakfast when I was sad and feeling lonely. I stopped drinking a bottle of wine to myself every night to help myself wind down after work like it was immediately one of the greatest things I've ever done to implement lifestyle changes because the alternative to not doing those things is be on medication forever, and die too early. I got a lot of things to do. I'm here to make a change on this planet. And I need time to do it. So I was motivated, inspired and ready and equipped. And we'll get to that part later. So I started walking around my neighborhood every day. When that got to be too easy. I started hiking on local trails, and I was taking my medication as prescribed all at the same time. Every day, like a good little diabetes patient. I've funneled all of my people pleasing tendencies into being the best diabetes patient my doctor has ever seen. And while I wouldn't recommend people pleasing period, if you find a way to funnel it in a healthy way, then I'm sure it's like fine, right? Because it worked out for me. So I was losing weight, which was part of the goal of this. We caught it early, I was about 60 pounds over what they said would be a healthy weight for me at my body size and all that stuff. So I was losing weight, which was part of the protocol and part of the goals but my blood sugar was still elevated. Why I took those first three food medicine exercise crushed it, but my stress not now. Okay, so I was working in corporate communications, I was leading email marketing for NBC Universal. I was working on a national commercial campaign and I was also leading the internal agency rebrand. So yeah, lots of stress, tons of it. And the good thing about working in an agency setting is there's lots of different accounts and lots of different work that you can do. So I tried to kind of wiggle around and see if there were things that I could take off my plate. First thing being travel, I was like living out of a suitcase three days a week up in LA, going to visit the folks at the NBC offices. And when I stopped traveling, it got a little bit better, but no real perceptible difference. And so I had to make the tough choice like I've done everything I can in this environment to try to reduce my stress, reduce my workload and there's nothing I can do. So do I want to keep like pursuing this career that's actually killing me, or do I want to prioritize myself in my life, I went with door number two, but like, kind of like a sideways speakeasy entrance, not like the official door where I actually give a shit about myself, it was more like, let's do something that looks great on paper that makes me feel really good feeds my ego. And then if it doesn't work out, then I'll care about myself. And I've never actually articulated this transition in this way until right now. So you're welcome if you've heard this story before, but also, I made the decision to leave my corporate communications job where I had really cushy benefits, awesome health insurance, and all this stuff to join my friends startup. Now, if you know anything about startup life, this is not a stress reducer. And I knew that going into it. I'm not an idiot, I watch Shark Tank. I'm like, I know what these people are up against. Okay, like I'm basically a professional startup person, despite never working at one. But what I found out was, the reason that I left corporate to join a friend startup was yes, to reduce my stress. But I knew that the actual work change wouldn't reduce my stress. But I figured if I cared about the work I was doing, maybe then the stress would be worth it. And somehow that wouldn't trigger a blood sugar response or release cortisol into my system that like best of intentions, guys, like I did everything I could, I joined the team. As Chief Marketing Officer, I was on the job for a whopping 95 days before I left. And the impetus for me to leave was one, my blood sugar levels started rising again, because the stress of trying to raise a million dollars without any knowledge on how to do that, other than watching the Shark Tank episodes that I mentioned. That stress shot my blood sugar up through the roof. And I was like, Listen, I have worked way too hard to get to the point where I'm at now, I can't go reverse all this progress I made on managing the disease. And it got so bad that for like the last two weeks before I left, I was having a panic attack every day, if not twice a day. Now, if you've never had a panic attack before, God bless you, I hope you never have one. If you have had one, and you're remembering what that's like, it was the kind that leaves you just knocked out for the rest of the day. And I'm trying to like work a job, manage diabetes, have relationships and friendships like I could not do all of it at once. And I was like, Okay, I don't know what's next. But it's not this, that is turning out to be a little bit of a catchphrase for me. Because if you'll remember, that's what I said, when I left skydiving without much of a backup plan. I was like, I don't know, can't be this though. And in those moments where I get that clear, that's not like a flippant thing, like I'm not running away from something, I'm taking steps towards a life that I can actually live that is of my design that is manageable for the way I want to live on this planet. There are lots of ways to live a life and the path that was laid out for me clearly was not working, it resulted in a chronic illness diagnosis. So I needed to make some changes. And for the first time in my life, I just bet on myself. And I didn't have anything to bet on. Like when I left skydiving I went and started doing skydiving events like on my own. So I had like a plan kinda. But with this one, I was just like, I honestly have no idea how we're going to make any money. I looked at my credit cards, I was like, I've got tons of available credit from when I was making money. So like, if nothing else, we've got some runway until I need to start making payments on these things. And the money that we do have in the bank, which wasn't a lot is enough to float us for like maybe six months, if I'm putting everything on credit cards and making minimum payments. PS, I'm not a financial planner. This is not like advice that I would give to anyone. But when it comes to like a literal Do or die situation, I use what I had available to me to step into this next chapter of my life. So I quit the job, I'm free falling without a parachute. And I'm just like, I don't know what's next. But I'm gonna just hike some more, because before I left, I knew I had this unfinished business with the trans Catalina trail. And because I didn't finish it in 2016. And because I had been hiking as a form of diabetes management as a form of this protocol that I was putting myself through. I was like, Okay, what's possible if the hike itself isn't the hard part because I've done this in the worst shape of my life. At that point I had lost 60 pounds is the first time I had done the hike. I've been hiking almost every day. And I was feeling really good. And on a training hike before we did the trans Catalina trail the second time in 2018. I was on this mountain outside of San Diego. And I felt really chill and for no reason. Because like I just quit two jobs in the span of five months, I was now a newly diagnosed uninsured diabetic. And I was just like, Why do I feel like I could take a nap like I feel like I'm up here doing savasana on top of this mountain. And I should like for all intents and purposes, I should be losing it. And I realized I was like oh well, thanks to this diabetes diagnosis, and my desire to channel all of my people pleasing tendencies into being the best diabetes patient my doctor has ever seen. I've been hiking my feelings instead of eating or drinking them. Whoa. Okay. And so what started as a phrase on top of a mountain. I then like journaled about I wrote a blog post about it And I really like settled into this idea of like, what does it mean to use hiking as a way to one move your body for sure to influence how I nourish myself because like, I don't want to go eat like a whole pizza like I used to, and then go out for a hike, like, I'm gonna feel gross when I do that. And how can this container like, really help me process some of the things that I've been through like, the two years before I did this hike the first time, were brutal. And honestly, I didn't even have time to process it on the first hike, because that first trek in 2016 was the hardest thing I've ever done in this body on this lifetime. And I was like, okay, so I know that I can hike. I know that I've done this trail, at least most of it once before. So I'm going back to someplace where I'm already familiar with the terrain, even if it was deeply uncomfortable the first time. So like, what else is possible for me out here. So two weeks later, I'm on the trans Catalina trail again, celebrating my birthday. And I mean, I wrote a book about this. So like, if you haven't heard the full story between hike one and 2016 and hike two in 2018. Go check it out, you can get it on Audible, I narrated it. So if you like the sound of my voice and the way I tell stories, you'll love listening to me read my own book. And you can go to hikingmyfeelings.org/book or wherever books are sold to snag a copy. So go have a listen. Because like the the takeaways ultimately, were just everything. And it really put into perspective, what hiking my feelings meant for me, and how this could help other people. Because if it was possible, that I could have the experience that I had in 2018, I wanted to find a way to recreate that. So what was the experience I had, like, what am I even talking about? Well, first of all, each step along the way, like I just let myself cry. And if you're listening, and maybe you're like me, and you were discouraged from crying, or you were punished from crying as a young person in your adulthood, if you've ever been told that your tears are manipulative, that can really set you back on on moving energy through your body in that way. Much like hiking. I've never gotten done with a big cathartic cry. And like, Well, that sucked. I shouldn't have done that. Every time I cry, I feel better. Every time I hike, I feel better. And so now here I am hiking and crying and I'm feeling incredible. Like I am just letting it rip. And if you've ever like done like the silent screaming crying in the shower thing, maybe it's just me, God, I hope not. But I was like doubled over like my hands were on my knees like bracing for impact. And just like snot pouring out of my nose, tears pouring out of my eye holes. Like it was ugly. Like you talk about ugly cry, it was the ugliest cry. But it was beautiful. And every time I allowed myself to do that, as I was thinking about my friends that had passed over the four years that I was skydiving 23 of my friends passed away. So I had a lot of processing to do. So I just let it rip. And I was just like this open channel of tears and emotions. And I just let myself feel it and I was in there, out there hiking in the heat. This trail has no shade. So it's kind of brutal. But I was just like, man, wow, like every time I got done thinking about my friends who had passed and the memories that I love and the stories that I'll remember and the legacy that I want to help them carry on and they're at, like their physical absence. I was like, Whoa, like, I just feel lighter. It feels like I took off my backpack, and I got a little extra pep in my step. And so that happened to each step along the way on this island. And I was like what is going on. And then I remembered like, I had done my naturalist training back in 2000. Or I was getting Lord. So I was standing there and I'm losing my mind. And I see all this like crystal all over the island. Like there's quartz crystal everywhere. There's white sage, like as far as the eye can see. And I didn't know enough about the stuff at the time to understand what that might mean. But I would find out soon. And so like I just kept being open to this experience. I didn't judge myself for the things that I was thinking and the thoughts that I was processing and the experiences that I had been through. And so I finally got to the top of this, the highest point on the trail. And this was a section that I didn't get to complete the first time. So this is all brand new terrain for me. Literally, I've never hiked it emotionally. I've never gone this far into myself and my processing. And I got to the top of this part. It's called Silver peak. And I got up to the top of it and I was just like, elated and my whole body was vibrating. And I was just moved by what was happening and I was like when was the last time I felt this good. When was the last time I felt this confident and the direction my wife is going with no evidence that I should be. When was the last time I felt this secure. Were in my body. When was the last time I felt this capable. And I was just like searching and searching and searching and I threw my hands up in the air and my whole body was vibrating. I was like, what is it about this island, about hiking about the wilderness? Like, why does this feel so good? When did I feel this good, like this feeling is familiar, but it's different. And so I started to descend into our final campground, which is Parsons landing. And so remote beach campsite, it's absolutely breathtaking. And there's this really steep decline. And it's this, if you've ever hiked in Southern California or other areas where it's the loose like shale type stuff. It was it was a lot of that. And so it was like really gravelly and really slippery. And I had stopped looking at the ground watching where I was putting my feet, I looked up to see where my husband was, and I just like, almost careened down the mountain. And I was like, not today. Williams, this is not how this story ends, you're gonna get there, and you're gonna crush it. So like, I planted my feet, I took a deep breath. And I was like, Okay, I got this, what? It's going to be fine. And then like, universal 2x4, like, smacked me in the face. And I realized the last time I felt this good. The last time I felt this confident, and the way that my life was going, even if I had no reason to think that I should be. Last time I felt this good in my body was before I was assaulted in college 12 years prior. And it was the first time that I had thought about that. And I felt free. Like, I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I wasn't scared. I just felt liberated like this was the answer to the question I didn't even know I needed to ask myself, because I had done such a good job of numbing that pain and that story, I stuffed it so far down. I didn't tell anybody about my assault for 11 years, the first person I told was my husband. And at that point, we had been together for seven years married for five. So it wasn't until I was on this trail. Now 12 years after the assault had happened, that I was able to understand, oh, this thing that I never talked about, manifested in all these different ways. Suddenly, all of the questionable life choices I had made questionable relationship choices I had made, the way that I would just lash out when somebody would question me or my existence or my story, whatever the story was, at the time, all of it started to make sense. And I was like, Oh, my God, like, this is the answer. Like, when I didn't get help when I didn't go to the hospital when I didn't go and tell my folks when I didn't tell my friend whose house it happened at when I swore that I would take this story to the grave. And I almost did. It turned into behaviors like drinking a bottle of wine and myself every night, eating Ben and Jerry's for breakfast, making questionable decisions over committing at work like this trauma had taken over my entire life. And it wasn't until I was five days deep in the back country without cell signal, no podcasts, no movies, no nothing to watch or listen to, to run away from it that I heard my own story in a way that felt safe to me. So when we get back, we'll talk about what I've done with that story since and how doing all the things that we've been doing can help you find your version of wellness in the wilderness and I've got a big announcement, and it has to do with Catalina Island, so don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.
Announcer 38:26
Follow us on Twitter at voiceamerica Ter and get the lowdown on guests you shows and your favorites. That's voiceamerica trn Ready to find your Wellness in the Wilderness, and look no further than Hiking My Feelings through a combination of community and self discovery. Our programs are designed to give you the space and support to connect life starts. If you're looking to figure out who you are underneath the stories you've been given, and are ready to redesign the map of where you're headed with actionable steps and opportunities to dream big. We're here to walk alongside you. Whether you're a seasoned adventure enthusiast, or brand new to the healing power of nature. We've got your back. Visit hikingmyfeelings.org today to download our free trail thoughts worksheets, and learn more about Hiking My Feelings. Sawyer is more than an outdoor company. Every solar product you buy, contributes to our common humanity, bringing Sawyer water filtration systems to people in need all around the world. In just 2022 alone. 260,000 households in over 45 countries received clean drinking water through Sawyer filters. Over the past 10 years, we've teamed up with over 140 charities in 80 countries to provide long term sustainable relief domestically, internationally and in disaster situations. Together we're saving millions of lives. Thank you. Have you ever spoken unkind to yourself? Do you realize when you do, are you ready to make changes, but find yourself completely paralyzed by the choices in front of you. We live in a hyper connected always on world. And frankly, it's exhausting. Let's make time to disconnect from the distractions and reconnect with yourself. Hiking My Feelings exists to help people discover the healing power of nature. kickstart your healing journey and grab a copy of the book that started our movement, Hiking My Feelings, Stepping into the Healing Power of Nature, named one of Audible's best hiking audiobooks and available wherever books are sold. Visit hikingmyfeelings.org today to learn more. It's your world motivate, change, succeed. Voice America empowerment.com. You're listening to Wellness in the Wilderness with Sydney Williams. Have a question for Sydney and our guests. Join us on the show at 888-346-9141. That's 888-346-9141 Now back to the show with Sydney.
Sydney Williams 41:13
All right, welcome back to Wellness in the Wilderness. I'm Sydney Williams and I'm still here on Catalina Island, the island that changed my entire life. And we just left off with me finishing the trans Catalina trail for the second time how I had this massive realization that everything that I had ever experienced in life was tied to some unresolved trauma from a sexual assault I survived in college. And now I have this like newfound lease on life. I've got a new filter through which to see the world and most importantly, a deeper understanding of myself. And the way that I had been showing up in the 12 years that passed between the worst day of my life and the best day of my life, which was the day that I connected those dots on the trans Catalina trail. So to jump back into the story, the first thing I did when I got back to cell service was send a message to the Catalina Island Conservancy. I mean, I had had this incredible experience in 2016 that redefined my relationship with my body for the first time ever. And the 32 years that I was on this planet I had. This understanding of this is my vehicle through which I get to do and experience life and I want to take good care of his vehicle and I want it to take me to more great places and I wanted to experience the world and the trails and do more things outside. The first hike just absolutely changed the game for me as far as my relationship with my body goes. And the second one unlocked Pandora's box of healing. I came there thinking okay, I've done this trail before, like, yeah, it was hard. But I've been training now like what else is possible out here. And then the trail delivered man like I, I had never gotten that much clarity and that short of a time span as I did on this island. And sitting here in this hotel room today thinking about all the experiences that I've had here and all the experiences I've been able to create here. I'm just so grateful. And it started with a DM on Instagram to the Catalina Island Conservancy. I was like, listen, these trails this trails changed my life twice now like how can I help get the word out? Are you guys trying to keep this thing a secret? Like, what's the deal? I don't see a lot of information out here. At least I didn't at the time. It's gotten more popular in recent years. But the woman that I was working with at the time, Morgan, who was working in communications with the conservancy was like Hey, one, thanks for sharing your story. So glad you enjoyed the the trail, we appreciate the feedback. And also, I'd love to connect you with our partners at REI. So my world turned upside down in the best way pretty quickly. Like I got on the phone with the woman named Rachel who is the head of outdoor programs for Rei in Southern California. She manages 13 different stores in this market. And I told her the story. I was like, Okay, here's what happened on pipe number one. Here's what happened on hike. Number two, I just want to tell everybody about the healing power of nature, anybody that's willing to sit down and listen, I want to tell them about it. And better yet, if I have an opportunity to share that healing power of nature with them, I'd love to. And so it started with a speaking tour around Southern California at the end of 2018. And I would tuck it in REI store on Friday and then Saturday morning we'd lead a hike in that area, because if I'm gonna send if I'm gonna spend, you know, an hour hour and a half talking to you about how hiking helped me heal my mind and body. I don't want you to just like, take my word for it. I want you to feel this and I want to share this experience with people. So that's what we did. And it started with three dates at the end of 2018. And since then, we've hosted more than 400 events around the US we incorporated Hiking My Feelings and started the nonprofit after our first year in 2019. And I spent 2019 before we did the nonprofit before I even had my book written, we just drove around the country we sold everything we owned we moved into an 1998 Chevy van, her name is Ruby. She's great. She's old enough to buy beer now. But we just went around kind of like Barry equated it to like a jam band. Like we were just kind of like going around doing our thing, spreading the good word about the healing power of nature, and getting people outside. And it was awesome. And we had like this really great momentum building. And at the end of the year, I published my first book called Hiking My Feelings Stepping into the Healing Power of Nature, which is more than a collection of the Tales from the trans Catalina trail, it's also has a coloring page to help you get back into your body. If you read the story. It has journal prompts to help you pull the lessons from each chapter and apply them to your own life. And some really great resources for how you can get connected with other organizations that are working to make the outdoors more inclusive. So it was great. And then we published the book, we get the book tour set up through the US and Canada the next year. So it's like fast forward to march 2020. And I'm sitting here, Joshua Tree National Park and ready to do my first workshop, and COVID happened. And I was a week into my book tour, getting ready to do this first workshop at the National Park Service. And everything just came to a halt. And I was really scared. I thought that this might be the end of this dream that we had literally sold everything to make come true. And we had just kind of started to figure out how to make this work and not put everything on credit cards and actually make some money and sell some books and host workshops and stuff and then nothing and it was really, really sad like I was I was really in a deep, deep depression for a good two weeks where I was just like in the fetal position crying in the van and writing these journal entries to get these scary thoughts out of my head and onto the paper. So they didn't like fester in my body. And if I go back and read those like they were, I mean, like I had some really scary thoughts going through my head. And I know I'm not alone. I know, lots of people, everybody was impacted by COVID in one way or another. But it was just, I had never felt so clear on what I wanted to do with my life and my time on this planet. And it felt like that was getting taken away. And after everything that I had been through all the loss, all the trauma, all the pain. It just felt like I was getting re traumatized. And it was one more shitty thing that happened to me to add to the list. And fortunately, like we through the help of our community through the help of some great friends and family and our own, you know, gumption. We made it work and we're still here. And now today like I was saying we've hosted more than 400 events around the US. Over the last two years specifically, we've been able to host our Hike + Heal retreats here on Catalina Island with our partners Melanie and Kaleo Wassman, who run a organization called Rebel and Muse where they host yoga retreats around the world now. And it was the beginning of something that I didn't know would be so impactful. And that is our relationship with Cinde MacGugan-Cassidy who is the owner operator of the Catalina Backcountry, and they are our partners on the island. They do our catering and our gear rental and everything we could possibly need. They book our campsite they book are we you know, they do everything on the island. So we can come and show up and bring our programming to Catalina and show people the trans Catalina trail and share this experience with them. And Barry and I had come out here for our anniversary in October this year. And had Cinde book us a trip and she you know put us on like the reverse route of the trans Catalina trail with some extra stops along the way, with some like locals only kind of perks. And when we got done with the trail, we stayed with her and Avalon and we just got to talking. And she was like, Hey, I got a question. And it's kind of a long shot. But I gotta ask, Would you guys be interested in being based on Catalina Island? And I just looked at Barry and I was like, I feel like this is a conversation that we should have off site and like make a considered choice. But I just looked at Barry and I was like, we want to do this right? Like this is a yes. And he's like, Yeah, this is yes. Because we have been talking this whole time about like, either. This is the end of it for us here in like Southern California. It's Catalina Island, we got to like figure out something else. Or how cool would it be to be here and to do stuff? And then Cinde's like, yeah, so would you guys be interested in being based here? And we're like, yes. And so like the big announcement, or the first of several big announcements is that Hiking My Feelings will now be based on Catalina Island from like September to May and during our summer season while we do our summer tours, for Wellness in the Wilderness and other retreats and stuff that we do with the national parks like we'll be off the island when it's just frankly it's too dang hot to hike here. And those temperatures. June July, August September. It's pretty gnarly here. I mean, like it might not be higher than 70-80 High 80s But without any shade. It feels like It's a bazillion degrees outside. And this is also Catalina islands high season as the summer that's when everybody comes out here to do what they do and go on vacation. So it works out that we're looking to be off the island during high season and we can now host our programs and do work with Catalina back country and, you know, dream big dreams over here and recreate the conditions that made my journey possible for as many people as are interested and that we can handle. So that's our first big news. And if I had like a sound effect, I do like, you know, the air horn wah wah, yeah, round of applause. So we'll be moving to Catalina Island in 2023. And we're really, really excited to come back to where this all started for us. Like I did my naturalist training with the Conservancy and 2018 After we got off the trail the second time to learn all about the plants and animals and the history of the island. And like the sage that had just like stretched out for fields, as far as the eye could see, I came to understand how the Tongva People use that in their healing practices and in their commerce. And I learned about how they may use soapstone, and how they traded abalone shells and where they were the remains of those shells during their commerce paths. Were those live on the island, I learned about invasive species of plants I learned about the Catalina Island Fox, like we learned all this incredible information. And so now it's not just once maybe twice a year when we get to host a retreat here. Like we have an opportunity to do some really incredible things here. And I think one of the things I'm most excited about is the fact that we get to help heal the land that helped heal us. And that's something that's been really important to me, over the course of the last four and a half years that we've been building programs for Hiking My Feelings. And I'm really excited to see what that looks like here on Catalina Island. So I think in general, like this has just been a really interesting opportunity for us to dream as big as we possibly can. Like I had a lot of dreams when I got off the trans Catalina trail in 2018. And the first carrot that was dangled in front of me was that speaking tour through Southern California. And then we ended up taking it around the country in 2019. And all the other projects that I suggested all the other things that I wanted to do just never showed up. And when Cinde asked me if I'd be interested in basing our organization here, it was just one of those moments where I was like, Okay, I've heard the phrase, what is meant for me will always make its way to me or what's meant for you won't miss you. Everything happens for a reason, things like that. If I had gotten a yes, in 2018, to all the questions that I was asking all the things I wanted to do, we wouldn't be in the position now. To do what we're doing, we wouldn't have those programs built, we wouldn't have the relationships with the different organizations that we've been lucky enough to call partners and sponsors over the last four and a half years like gossamer gear like Sawyer, the folks that sponsor this show. So it's just been a really special opportunity to also keep this kind of close to the vest like this happened in October. This is probably the longest I've ever sat on any news without announcing it to the world because I just really love sharing good news, it really lights my Spirit on fire and kind of helps me stay accountable to the choices I'm making. But it's been really nice to kind of just plan all this and be excited about it and have it be like not a secret, something that's close to us and close to our hearts as we build it, so we can share it with you when we have more information to share, which we will have more information to share in the next few months. So stay tuned for that. But at the end of the day, you know, I gotta say thank you for joining me on this episode of Wellness in the Wilderness. And I hope that you're able to find your version of wellness in the wilderness and wilderness can be whatever it means to you like for me it was out here on the trans Catalina trail. For some folks that might be a local park that they've never explored. Or maybe it is like deep deep in the back country in one of these really remote rugged areas like a national park. But at the end of the day, this is your journey and you get to define wilderness like I don't want you to listen to this episode, or any of the previous episodes would be like, well, if I'm not hiking 18,000 Miles like the her Odyssey team that I'm not, I'm not finding wellness. And that's not true. Like you get to define what makes you well you get to define your own routine. And when we come back next week, I'm really excited to share some time and space with Anastasia Alison, she's the founder of Kula Cloth and we're going to be chatting about intention, and morning routines and carving out time and space for yourself so you could deliver your best work in your best version of yourself to your friends and family. Because every time I talk to Anastasia I leave feeling more inspired and more capable than I did going into the conversation. So I hope the same is true For your next week, as that is a very powerful way to start the year. So thank you for joining me for this week's dose of Wellness in the Wilderness. I hope that today's conversation and by conversation I mean my story was a breath of fresh air and I look forward to connecting you with you next Tuesday on the Voice America empowerment channel at 1pm. Pacific. Until next week, and until next year, take good care of yourself, take good care of each other, dream big and be kind. I look forward to chatting with you in 2023 Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.
Announcer 55:35
Thanks for joining us on this week's show. We hope this episode has been a breath of fresh air for you and has inspired you to find your Wellness in the Wilderness. We will reconnect with nature and new again next week. Since 1984, sell your has existed to support your wildest adventures. Learn about their advanced insect repellents and family of technical Lightweight Water filters at sawyer.com