Hiking My Feelings on Pilot Rock in Ashland, Oregon

Five days after Black Butte and stopping myself from assuming disaster, we hiked Pilot Rock with my friend Brandi. She had mentioned there was some climbing involved. The climbers I have met talk about solving problems, finding routes, and the challenge of it all. I was interested.

As the trail changed from standard single track through the forest to compressed rock piles above the treeline, I felt my pulse quicken. This wasn't OMG I'M GONNA DIE UP HERE like on Black Butte. This was OMG I AM SO READY FOR THIS. When was the last time I felt that? When was the last time I felt prepared, without first assuming disaster?

I looked at what was ahead, and even though I've never done anything like this before, I felt strangely confident. The last time I felt this unafraid before doing something that looks scary was when I was sitting near the door of the airplane next to Barry, getting ready to do my first jump as a skydiving student. I was confident in my training. My mindset was calm. I had a clear understanding of the task at hand and what I needed to do.

Before that? I felt this when I was rowing at KU.

Both are activities I consciously chose for myself, versus a suggestion or requirement from someone else.

Evaluating the challenge in front of me, I explored all the different ways I could get to my destination. I tried following the route Barry took but it didn't feel good to me. I went around to the other side. It was steep, but I could see a way up. Barry was there, ready to offer a hand. Brandi talked me through which foot and hand goes where, like some mountainside version of Twister.

When this photo was taken, I was all the way present. This required my FULL attention, the same way that skydiving did. And in those environments, I thrive. I'm seeing a pattern; the choices I make for myself, by myself, are the ones that make the biggest impact on my life. Rowing. Skydiving. Adventure.

When I choose things to meet some arbitrary expectation others have for me, I end up resentful.

When I choose things for me, I find joy, peace, calm, confidence.

And I can tell you, joy, peace, calm and confidence all feel better than resentment. 💚